The Best Version of Myself

It is two in the morning - and it's rather stormy outside. It's a right proper storm with thunder and lightning and everything. The cat is apparently freaking out and is alternating between trying to dig her way through the window and jumping on the bed demanding comfort. I have no patience for her at all. Then Cyrus wakes up and I'm even more angry with the cat. And no matter how much I try to convince myself that she's just a cat and she's scared and didn't mean to, I'm just pissed! No sympathy for the feline!

Cyrus at this point is crying and will not be consoled with all the usual techniques. I try to get away with just bringing him to the bed, but that only succeeds in pointing out how warm he is. He had been teething the night before, so a fever would not be of huge surprise. Anyway the only thing that works is holding and rocking him and even that is only partially successful. He just doesn't feel well I suppose. And despite the hour, I feel so patient - my fatigue doesn't seem to matter. Just trying to sooth him.

The cat, however? She's still in my proverbial doghouse! This is her fault!

What? That makes absolutely no sense. What is wrong with me?

Of course this isn't her fault. Cyrus clearly has a fever and is in pain. She's scared probably both by the thunder and his sobbing. He would likely have woken up by himself. And I wonder at my impatience with the cat.

And I think about it and it's strange to me how much easier it is for me to take care of Cyrus - it just almost seems to require less emotional energy in some ways. Is that biological? Is that just a sign of how much I love him? Is there even a meaningful difference between the two?

It's just easier to bring my most patient and "best" self to the surface around him. This is not just to his benefit, but also to mine.

I had a really good day about a week back. Just had so many moments where I felt so lucky - so grateful for the day, the moment, my husband, my son. I don't know, it was easy! It was also amazing!

Then the next day I sort've crashed and that inner peace seemed to be suddenly elusive. I felt down and lacking in energy and motivation both. And it all seemed worse for having had such a fantastic day the day before - I know there's a natural cycle of highs and lows - and I found myself resentful that lately the highs seem so brief and few in comparison to the lows in-between.

Cyrus wasn't having a good day either. He might've been teething or growing - who knows, but it was overall mild. He was whimpering his sad almost sob, made more pathetic by the fact that he doesn't actually cry out. I just felt I needed to make a special point of trying to play with him. And when I picked him up I realized that I felt lighter. Joyous really - in that moment anyway.

I realized that I'm actually able to do this a lot. That even when I'm having the worst day, spending that moment or two with him seems to bring me up. Seems to lift me out of whatever emotional or mental mire I seem to be bogged down in.

How does he do that?? He's like magical!

It feels like love I think. It feels pure. But whatever it is, I'm grateful for it.

Now to be absolutely clear and not set expectations to unreasonable high and ridiculous levels, there are definitely days where I am too exhausted or too stressed and I don't have the capacity to be that patient loving self. Days when I hand him to my husband and say "You feed him. I cannot handle it." Nights where he wakes up at three in the morning and I just want to burst into tears. No, that's not right. I don't want to - I do burst into tears.

But there's something about him that makes it easier to take care of him - where it just takes a lot more to get worn down to this point. He just seems to bring out my best self more of the time. We'll have to practice bringing this out for the cat's benefit as well.