This is something that is difficult for me. I don’t really completely understand where this came from, but I’ve always expected myself to be independent. I compulsively almost feel like I have to prove myself. And in the past I have constantly worried that asking for help would be perceived as a sign of weakness or incompetence.
In college, I learned that when I asked for academic support and help, not only did I perform better and retain more, but I also developed relationships with professors who suddenly respected me more!
And in career, I learned that asking for help led to solutions that made my classroom run more smoothly and effectively. Students learned more and I was not nearly as stressed. Double win!
I also know that when others have come to me for advice or help I was never once irritated. Never once thought they were weak. In fact, I often thought the opposite! That their eagerness to learn was exciting and refreshing. Or their vulnerability touched me in a special way and taught me to see other sides of life and be more understanding and compassionate in the future when others didn’t confide.
I have also learned that when colleagues don’t ask for help and then messes something up – THAT is really annoying. Cleaning up afterwards is often way harder than helping initially.
But even with all that, it’s still hard for me to ask. Especially in personal realms. I will share anything and everything with just about anyone. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my vulnerability has earned me way more friends than it has ever caused harm.
But in the past, I tended to confide only in two instances: 1) I was already on the other side of the issue – and had it figured out to my satisfaction, or 2) had been pushed to the edge and had fallen apart so I didn’t really have another option.
Becoming a mother changed a lot of that. Or maybe it just made qualifier number two a chronic condition.
Cyrus was born via c-section. I wasn’t really able to move around for a week or two there. And I was so completely exhausted for weeks after that! Suddenly I needed help because I couldn't do it myself however much I wanted to or thought I should be able to. I hated that! I hated the dependency. I honestly felt inadequate.
But I also felt humbled. Because support came out of the wordwork! Family, old dear friends, new friends, work friends, old friends I hadn’t spoken to in years, others that I felt I barely knew. They just showed up in my life and gave their time, their gifts, lots of amazing food. Listened to me with patience as I whined about struggling with dependency. Told me I was ridiculous and that I was amazing for everything I was doing to care for my son and myself.
When Cyrus first started having seizures and then was diagnosed with his genetic disorder at four months, we got a second wave of that support. And again, I felt so humbled and amazed at the sheer number of people that made those offers of love and support. At the number of people that genuinely told me to just let them know what I needed.
And I wanted to take them up on it. I know that I need the help. I have felt many times in the last few months like I was drowning and found myself desperately praying for help. But I feel like that kid in class that is so completely lost that she has absolutely no idea what to ask for!
What do I need? I don’t need you to run errands for me. In fact, these mundane tasks are nice. Because I can actually complete them! Can feel like I can do or accomplish something when much of the time when watching my son go through a seizure or get an iv placed, all I can do is watch feeling inadequate and helpless.
I don’t need you to make meals for me (my husband may beg to differ on this one as he’s been doing 90% of all the cooking and 99% of dishes! He’s awesome like that!!!!). I’m perfectly capable of cooking though. I make a pretty good stir fry or two if I do say so myself!
But then my fabulous husband was quick to point out that maybe I didn’t need the food or the cooking. But I do need the company. Desperately. This whole experience has felt incredibly isolating and I feel inadequate to the task at times. I need others there to hold my hand as I hold my son’s.
And there’s times in my head, where I truly doubt – wonder how we’re going to do this because it’s not going to go away – Cyrus’ disorder is genetic, neurological, and chronic. When we’re in the hospital due to a prolonged unending seizure for the second time in one week, I find myself wondering how he’s going to live his life if he’s always in the hospital? How are Kyle and I going to live ours? How can I keep doing my job well if I always have to be here to feed and monitor my son? But I have to keep working! How else are we going to pay for all this? Because even with my salary we’re not breaking even anymore, and we won’t for at least 2-3 years until all the student loans are paid off…
And it’s not like you can ask all these supportive people to give you money… can you? That has always felt like a taboo to me. Maybe because I’ve never had a lot of it to give so it just seems like a lot to ask. And I never want anyone to think I am their friend for only their money. And plus, I’m obsessed with that whole “must be independent” thing, which probably goes double for finances. If I can’t support myself and my family, I must be being irresponsible or something…
On a particularly frustrating day I confided all these feelings to a friend. Her reaction? She goes and sets up a fundraising campaign for my son! And sets the goal to ten thousand dollars!! And I just can’t imagine that. I can barely conceive of asking for that much let alone being handed that much.
And again I feel humbled. Honored. And incredibly blessed to have people that will push right past my own issues to make sure I DO get the support I need. Even when I don’t feel comfortable asking for it.
Because if I’m being truly honest with myself and all of you, that IS what I need.
I need your time. I need to not be alone. I don’t do well alone. I need to talk about everything that’s happened. That’s how I process and release. And I need the emotional support and unconditional love and understanding. And if there’s one thing to be grateful for in this experience, it’s to realize that I am SO incredibly lucky to have that in my life in spades!! But you should know that I’m overwhelmed. I probably won’t contact you first. But I’m telling you to invite yourself over! Or ask us to visit you! We NEED the human contact!
And I need financial support. I actually did some financial planning (something I was scared to do because I figured it would tell a bleak picture) in trying to figure out how to stay near Stanford’s Children’s Hospital. And we’re in the red for the next two years. However the good news is, if we can get through the next few years all when all the student loans will be paid off and hopefully that extra leeway can cover what is likely to be high medical expenses.
So if you can do either or both of these things for our family, know that I am totally floored. And grateful! And probably crying (in a good way).
And if you can do neither of these things, know that I know I am still lucky to have you in my life and honored to be your friend.
Cyrus's Fundraising Campaign
I want to end by saying thank you to those that didn’t ask what I needed, but just started offering things (like cleaning, meal plans, babysitting, couches, etc.). I have never felt so vulnerable and fragile in my entire life. But I honestly have also never felt so lucky, taken care of, and appreciated in my life either.
