Starting to Notice

Cyrus is getting to the age where it is becoming obvious that he is unusual.

Because he is so calm most of the time, we will take him everywhere. To friends' houses, out on hikes, to that weekend spiritual retreat, or out to dinner, etc. We'll just roll the stroller with the carseat right up to the side of the table or next to my seat. The hostess will often ask if I want a high chair. And the polite ones seem surprised when I say no, the less polite get irritated as the carseat stroller takes up some space!

During or after the event people will come up and comment.

"I think it is just so great how he just sat there so calm and let you have a dinner together."

"Is he always so calm? You're so lucky! They're not all like that! We couldn't take our son to dinner until he was seven!"

"Just you wait, he's going to running around terrorizing the house before you know it!"

"Is that baby real?"

And for the most part, these comments don't upset me. They do push me into that moment of awareness - awareness that we live in a different world. Because sometimes I forget.

And I want to tell these people:

"Do you realize how lucky you are that your child has the ability to misbehave? I bet you never thought of that as a privilege."

"It must be so reassuring that it's almost a given that your child will live to see their seventh birthday."

"Yes, he's real! You think I push around a doll in a stroller all the time?! What kind of comment is that?!" (Okay, that one might've irritated me a little...)

But I don't say these things. I'm not certain there would be a point. Instead, I gush about how I know that Cyrus is one in a million (literally). And how adorably cute and wonderful he is.

Then there's the comments from people who have some awareness of what's going on.

"He'll be fine. You just have to have a positive attitude."

"The doctor's could be wrong..."

And I can't respond to these. I have no words to say. Instead, I'm just hit with a wave of sadness. But I don't express that either. Instead, I simply smile and nod. Because I can appreciate that these people are trying to be kind, trying to be optimistic and reassuring. It's not their fault that what they say is not comforting in the slightest.

Cyrus is very close to outgrowing his infant carseat/stroller combo. And when it's time to upgrade we may be getting adaptive strollers and carseats because Cyrus can't hold his head up, he doesn't have the core coordination to sit up on his own. I don't completely know what these tools look like or how obviously different they will be - they're so different depending on what the child needs and we're just starting this process.

But I do know that at some point, probably in the near future, it will be obvious not only that Cyrus is unusual, but also that something is wrong. And I think people will naturally avert their gazes and will not comment.

And I think I will miss the random strangers telling me how adorable my son is, how lucky I am that he is so calm.

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